rather be// PTX

i'm just in my emo mode back. ugghh, girls. i don't fucking understand, even myself. 

it's 2.33 in the morning, i have these thoughts of my relationship with my family. it's like shaking Jengga just waiting to collapse to pieces. no, i'm not in a fight with my parents or my siblings. it's just that, the distant. it's not that i don't feel loved, it's just that, IDK, I'M THE ONE who's not been loving them much?!? IDK, all i know is that my relationship with them is getting further and bitter.

come to think of it, everything started when i was 10?!? well, i think so lah. i think it was when i first left home, and i felt the freedom. no, i did not run away from home, im not that bad,*see, another thing is that i'm NOT THAT BAD, i'm kinda obedient tho. well, there's some unconditional events had occurs that may consider myself as "bad" but still tho, my parents is not that mad of me with it* so, i was 10, and was away from home to represent my state?! city?! IDK what's DAERAH in effing eng, so Daerah Hulu Selangor lah, for volleyball. so it was a 4 days event, eventually i had to stay at hostel with my friends and all. and from that day onward, i'm determined that i want to stay in hostel because it's fun, i can do whateves i want without my parents knowing and they can't do anything bout it and it's great because i can be with my friends and not my nagging parents. *FYI, both my parents are educator, at that time my mom was a teacher and my dad was a lecturer. so, handling teens, especially NAGGING at them are their specialty*

another thing is that both of my parents are working. i clearly remember that since i was 9, after school, i would be alone at home. like ALONE. then prepare my own self to go back to so called 'sekolah agama' in the evenings. so basically, i see them like 7 in the morning and just a little time at night. sometimes i see them just 5 mins before i went to bed. so, i was NOT that close with my parents growing up. but thank GOD i survived. not thinking of suicide or what not, thanks to sports. i think.

so with that, i would be active in so many other sports, Handball, Netball, Track & Field, Hockey and many more, so that i could escape myself from being at home and do what i like rather than being home. *one time, i drop out of school, well sekolah agama cuz it's ruining my training session. evenings are for training, not another SET of schooling* so like, i could go away from home like at least a week a month to stay at hostel for playing all the sports. so, i think it was that time around i was liking the idea of hostel a.k.a asrama. and to my surprise, my UPSR was excellent. i got straight As *not bragging, ehemm. i WAS smart tho* so, for secondary school, i got to stay in a hostel.

when i was 13, my family moved to Shah Alam, and my hostel is not that far, it's in Klang, like 30mins car ride. but at least tho, it was still away from home. and Lord knows how happy i was when i got to stay in the hostel. i did bunch of stuff. great stuff, not so great stuff, even bad stuff. i skipped classes, schools, i even smoked. but i never tell them that. all of them i only share with my friends. once i was caught red handed from skipping school, so i had to tell them first. but their just fine with it, a little mad tho, but not totally your-not-my-daughter mad. but, i never told them about the tremendous amount of time i skipped school and classes for other things. up until now, they don't know i've smoked before. even the good things i did in school and hostel i never mention to them. i represent the school for the netball team, the Pantun team, the school's editor team and performance team. they just knew like little bits of it. like the other who would call their parents everyday or at least once a week, i would only call when i'm drained, financially. but for them it was ok, and it was ok for me back than.

so long story short, now i'm doing my degree in Sarawak and it's my 2 semester 1st year. and it's still the same. i don't share anything with them, i call only when i'm financially drained or i just text them not even a call, and worst yet, come home like twice a year for like 2-3 months. that's the only time i'll interact with them, especially my parents. i'm so jealous of people that are so closed with their parents, like those who share their stories with their mom or dad. those who can joke around, i can't even answer "I love you too" to my mom, i just went "hmm, k" like IDK what am i doing. i don't deserve them. they understand me well enough *but not too well, maybe cuz the upbringing they gave me when i was growing up, they we're never with me, but they do now. but i think it's to late for me, as in "my persona", to accept it* i don't even save pictures of my family in my phone. like most of the people i know have to so called as a "normal" child would do. 

it hurts, but i can't do anything. like srsly, i don't know WHAT are there to do. it's just an awkward relationship. i do pray Lord so that this relationship would NEVER break. maybe family is not on the top of my list where i know it should be, but i'm working on it. i'm looking for THE solution for this. i hope there's one tho. it's don't want my parents to be hurt but at the same time i can be myself and be happy about it. uggh, it's complicate, I'M complicated, this WORLD is complicated. 

FLY// GOT7

#Fly4thWin FUCK YEAH! Got7 won the 4th time this week! *this is kpoppers stuff, if you can't relate just ignore this* 진짜 대단하다 갓새븐이 가! 

k, i'm not gonna talk about my kpop thingie. 'em kpop haters, fuck u  :)

so, what am i gonna talk about? well, i think it's about time i talk about my sexuality. this may be uncomfortable for me to write down and may be for you guys to read. but i have made up my mind and determined about writing this down. for my own future reference. mana tau kalau-kalau cucu-cucu aku nak tau pasal aku kan, and they'll be like "cool gila nenek kita," hahahaha like i wish.

1st of all, let me get things straight. I, Ummu Syafiqah, am a Pansexual. ok, maybe some of you are blur amende jadah natang pansexual ni. is it that you have sexual desire with pans and pots? -.-" bitch, NO!  in a simple sentence, it's a sexual preference towards people regardless of their gender. it's a sexuality under the same umbrella of Bisexual, but a more precise one. to understand more, you guys might need to take Gender and Ethnicity course. *or just read the good damn Wiki* then you guys can make sense of what i just talk crap dekat atas tadi. to read further, i think you guys kena faham dulu la what the fuck is Bisexual. pergi google doh, nak kena ajar ke:)

I came out and bring me to my own sense about my sexuality very recently. just last year pun, like around October. because i come upon this Malaysian LGBT twitter acc. IDKY but i do think that they helped me a lot to realize the real me. enlighten the confused me. i was really a depressed helpless confused girl back then. i really have lighten up and really changed to be better after i realize what and who i am. now, may be some of you might have brought up some religious stuff in your mind "budak ni kena laknat Tuhan ni" "kalau mak bapak dia tahu, kena jumpa ustaz ni" well, that's your opinion and I respect that. but until you can talk it straight to me face to face, IDGAF for it. i know what i believe, i believe Allah is fair. i believe what i read and what i hold on. i believe in equality, and you can't judge my relationship with God just from pieces of me. Allah love me, Allah loves all, and that is enough for me to know and hold on to. your judgement can walk the fuck away. please and thank you. 

maybe i could give a little background story about how i come upon such interest. i studied in all girl school. so, i admit, i have interest in girls back then. so, as a naif little girl could do, is to be a "pengkid" a.k.a butch. well, it was just a try test of personality, and i decided, NOPE! nope at all, pengkid is not my thing. but at that time, i have this "sorta" "kinda" "so called" "relationship" *so many "" because it was really undefined up until now, but i know it is something special tho* with this girl. so, i know I'm into girls, and she was this girly girl. so for me, it would just make sense if im a butch. but no, when i "tried on" that butch "mask", it's just not me. i'm not comfortable, AT ALL. so, i tried on something else. i became a bitch. like literally. little that people know, I've tried to "curi" my best friend's boyfriend. *she didn't know up until now LOL* and he was into me too, so like, i like the vibe too. i like men too. i was like soooo confused. like, fuck?! do i like men? do i like girls? i was so depressed, like i kept thinking, what am i? 

so, i "broke up" with this guy and continued my "relationship" with this girl. and Lord have mercy on me, the "relationship" was like a sampan in the middle of the sea with a heavy storm. it was fucking rough. but i love her, i like her. i became more depressed. almost every night i cried, almost everyday i have break downs. my life was miserable, i was not even 16. so, when i really reached 16, i'm determined, i will not fucking bother about my "love life" anymore. i focused more with having fun with my friends, i played more with my netball team. i was more active with school. i keep myself busy just so that i stop thinking bout it. i was just fine. even i did great *well, sorta* with my SPM. everything went fine. until the 6 month rest after school. OMG, how fucked up i've become once more.

I became more sexual frustrated, i gain fucking a lot. i barely come out from my room. mak aku panggil aku turtle, kejap ada kejap takde. but THANK LORD. thanks to Tumblr and Youtube, i discover this new world of bisexuality. i read a lot, i watch a lot, and i learnt a lot about this bisexuality. i'm starting to absorbing this new concept and putting tests upon myself. so long story short, through hardship, through divine messages from the Almighty, i finally found myself at peace, and have accepted myself as a Pansexual. 

well, for the society acceptance, i may not have come out to my parents, YET, but my uncle have this idea and know that, his little niece ain't a hetero. she's a bit slender. so, i'm at ease that my uncle still accept me as family. for my friends, some of them have this idea too, and i think they're fine with it. but my best friends from my school time have yet to discover this, but i do wish they know this and will accept me for who i am right now, and not the same person they knew years back. i think i've not change at all, just my preferences and sexuality but my everything is still the same and i hope they see that in me.

well, i guess this post have been too long and a bit blunt but yeah, it's something i need to put out and i'm fine now :) maybe, next post i'll be a bit detailed on how i conformed myself as a Pansexual and not a simple bisexual. maybe later, when i have the feel to write. i'm off to fangirl to my kpop GOT7, and scream the fuck out of myself. good night from my handsome oppa

so dreamy, kan?!?

Lush Love // Zara Larsson

My eyes is literally just half open. i need MORE SLEEP! but college life kan!?! uugghhh

it's 9.29 a.m. and i slept around 5 last night?!? cuz i celebrated my friend's birthday and it was CRAY CRAY. wow, Chinese really know how to party tho. they didn't stop with the shots, i was up to my limit then i was D.O.N.E! 

nayyhh, just kidding. no way in the world would I inhale alcohol. *well, we don't know future tho, but still* it was a just a simple celebration. we ate fudge choc cake *fuck it was damn good*, chill and talk on dirty inside jokes and just chill. yeah, get in a ghost house 'kinda'. till around 11 and it was fun and good. *well, i slept at 5 cuz youtube lah*

but the main thing i wanna talk about is how my friends expresses their "love" for me. ok, first let me just give you a little heads up. my friends, i'm talking about on how they express they love for me, are 3 Chinese Boys. let me emphasize again, 'THREE', not-Malay-but-Chinese-not-girl-but-boys friends. we got this "Babi Geng" going on, with another of my malay friend. i was so touched with them.

ok, the story goes like this. so it was Jimmy's birthday. and his girlfriend invite me and Mike *is the other Malay member from the Babi Geng* cuz his other friends are busy so it was just like us 2, her GF and him, and there's Chris and Hujan, and like 2 3 other friends. it was a small crowd. so we just chilling, laughing on dirty jokes and what not. the 'touchy' part was when i was inhaling on the cake. cuz it was a fucking FUDGE cake, how can i NOT? and they realize i ate TOO MUCH cuz like, i have diabetes. so they tried really hard to stop me from eating the cake. like they took it away from me, give me alot of plain water to drink. and they'll be like "Ummu, if you wanna play with my bike, u gotta stop eating the fucking cake" *yeah cuz Jimmy got a cool bike i wanna try*

i was really touched with the situation tho. it was like, wow they really care about me. the way they pull away the cake and 'condemn' me was a bit harsh, but yeah cuz i was resisting much with the cake. but they're boys. they're harshness is kind for me. it's the kind-est and most lovable thing they had ever done for me.*let's face it, they never ever be kind to me.ughh boys*

the other thing is that how they really *well, yeah quite a lot* know me. so, there were his other friends around, and they're also Chinese. so we joke around in Manglish and we laugh like crazy. so this friend goes like "HUH?!?" and they translated everything back into chinese for him to understand. long story short, it was about dirty jokes. so his friend was like "doesn't she fell offended or something" IDK he spoke chinese, idk but that is kinda it i guess. cuz Chris's reply was "nayy, she's good. she's always like this. we always jokes around like this" and he started explain that i have preferences for gays and my gaydar is quite high and stuff *ok, i'll do another post for this gay and gaydar thing* and it was kinda impressive for me. yknow, like they know me and understands me *sometimes* and they respect my interest. they even support me *hitting my girl crush in class too ;)* 

i was very touched last night, IDK if it was Jimmy's birthday or was it mine? cuz i felt celebrated. yknow having your friends got your back and feel secure around them. and i just knew them last semester and me click really well around each other. 

so guys, expressing love is not just through saying "I love you". there are many other ways people can express their love, like taking away the cake when you have had too much and cuz you got diabetes. or when they helped you hit on your crush *srsly 'Miss Hew' can you not get that i like you already?* and many other ways. especially boys, they know MANY MANIPULATIVE ways to say they love you. we just need to open up and see it in another perspective. i know they'll never read this, so let's put this in a simple sentence. I love you guys too, you guys are the best. 

and happy birthday Jimmy!

Centuries // Fall Out Boys

well, currently i'm headbanging while typing this. Fall Out Boys are legends AF!

it's been "centuries" since i wrote the last post. cuz, i've been hanging around, yknow, with Shane Dawson, Smosh, Kingsley, Ryan Higa, etc etc nothing much. *if you can't relate this, this is cuz you ain't a youtube cruiser* 

well, tbt i'm just too lazy and my college wifi used to be suck. IDK why i decide to write back, other than that my college wifi finally works and it doesn't suck anymore, but the urge to rant is slowly seeping back in.

i think i've been ranting about myself and my life too much in twitter but 140 characters is NOT enough to portray my "inner voice" and it is never enough when i want to brag about myself and no one cares. well, technically, i'll probably have the same reaction here, but it's more satisfying to write more with MANY MANY MORE WORDS! i'll try to not GAF to that, i'll just write and rant whatever i want. if there's even one person reading this, OMG I LOVE YOU! MUAH MUAH MUAH! THANKS! MUAH! say HI to me in twitter *winks*

i HAVE came out to "some" people about myself recently, so lately i've been trying to express and telling the WORLD *kinda tho* about who am I and what am I. i think for a fresh start, i'll just briefly introduce who am I to myself and what i want people to know about me. maybe for other posts, i'll explain in details who am I. well, this sounds so selfish and narcissistic, what to say, the world don't roll around you, but you can show the world how you roll. *badum tst* k, bad. that's so bad, i'll admit.

HI! I'm Ummu Syafiqah Mazlan. please, no "binti". *i'll write a post on why i don't want it*. that's 움무 샤피카. yes yes, i can fucking read and write KOREAN, well i just can't understand it, that part i'm still working on. Malay and a Muslim *nak kena bagitahu, takut ada yang ingat aku ni Dayak. ppfft, judgmental much* i'm 20. well, 19 and 11 month. OMG i just realize i'll be 20 in exactly 1 month. meyyh. currently a student majoring in Communication Studies in University Malaysia Sarawak (UNIMAS) yes, my blog is called "Borneo Vagabond" cuz i'm so far from my home, well peninsular Malaysia je pun, Shah Alam. 

next, MY INTEREST! i'm a proud Kpopper, stan for Got7, i'm an Igot7. NO! i don't only listen to korean, as you can see, i'm also into Electro Rock like P!ATD and FOB. i'm also interested in both boys and girls and all the gender in between. yes, I'm a pansexual and gender fluid. *ting ting ting the golden bell* yes, well human is too complicated to live a simple life. i'll write another post on my sexuality and my gender, next next time. 

soooo, that escalated quickly. i think i missed some things *well alot, but i think it's enough for the time being* i'll FUCKING TRY to update as much as possible. OMG, this is sooo much better than twitter. FREEDOM OF SPEECH! *so called freedoom huh Malaysia, pfftt* to that, iollss  payung uolls dengan gambar iolss. brag sikit *ehem banyak ehem* la. hahaha iolls plus size model tau, jangan tak tahu *muntah darah* 고맙습니다잉!

The Many Faces of ME!

The Emo Kid

The Fierce Hijabi

The Tryna be Fab Face

of all things, i'm fabulously PHAT!

난 여자가 아니라고, 남자 그 아니은대. 

My need to write!

I renewed my blog of what once a place of expressing my pain, sorrow and a spark of happiness to a place I'll write what ever i want. Maybe a diary anecdote, or my thoughts in some issues, or my fairy tales and fanfics that i longed to be the reality for me, or the same thing i did years back, where i just blurt out and express my "pain" and "sorrow". it depends. i'm having my long break after finishing my foundation and sometimes i felt a hole or and emptiness inside. it took weeks to realize that i miss my writing days, where i express everything here and don't give a shit on what people would think of my thoughts. i just want to feel free and "be naked" *NOT LITERALLY* with what i want to write. i miss the sound of the clickety clacks from the keyboard, the hours of me talking to myself in my mind and the ideas i've kept inside. i need to express IT ALL! well, that's kinda dramatic tho talking to myself like that, but who cares, as long as i'm pleased with myself and my writings. well, this entry might not be grand and inspiring *or any of my entries later would ever be inspiring or grand* but this is my start. the need to write, here i come!