k, i'm not gonna talk about my kpop thingie. 'em kpop haters, fuck u :)
so, what am i gonna talk about? well, i think it's about time i talk about my sexuality. this may be uncomfortable for me to write down and may be for you guys to read. but i have made up my mind and determined about writing this down. for my own future reference. mana tau kalau-kalau cucu-cucu aku nak tau pasal aku kan, and they'll be like "cool gila nenek kita," hahahaha like i wish.
1st of all, let me get things straight. I, Ummu Syafiqah, am a Pansexual. ok, maybe some of you are blur amende jadah natang pansexual ni. is it that you have sexual desire with pans and pots? -.-" bitch, NO! in a simple sentence, it's a sexual preference towards people regardless of their gender. it's a sexuality under the same umbrella of Bisexual, but a more precise one. to understand more, you guys might need to take Gender and Ethnicity course. *or just read the good damn Wiki* then you guys can make sense of what i just talk crap dekat atas tadi. to read further, i think you guys kena faham dulu la what the fuck is Bisexual. pergi google doh, nak kena ajar ke:)
I came out and bring me to my own sense about my sexuality very recently. just last year pun, like around October. because i come upon this Malaysian LGBT twitter acc. IDKY but i do think that they helped me a lot to realize the real me. enlighten the confused me. i was really a depressed helpless confused girl back then. i really have lighten up and really changed to be better after i realize what and who i am. now, may be some of you might have brought up some religious stuff in your mind "budak ni kena laknat Tuhan ni" "kalau mak bapak dia tahu, kena jumpa ustaz ni" well, that's your opinion and I respect that. but until you can talk it straight to me face to face, IDGAF for it. i know what i believe, i believe Allah is fair. i believe what i read and what i hold on. i believe in equality, and you can't judge my relationship with God just from pieces of me. Allah love me, Allah loves all, and that is enough for me to know and hold on to. your judgement can walk the fuck away. please and thank you.
maybe i could give a little background story about how i come upon such interest. i studied in all girl school. so, i admit, i have interest in girls back then. so, as a naif little girl could do, is to be a "pengkid" a.k.a butch. well, it was just a try test of personality, and i decided, NOPE! nope at all, pengkid is not my thing. but at that time, i have this "sorta" "kinda" "so called" "relationship" *so many "" because it was really undefined up until now, but i know it is something special tho* with this girl. so, i know I'm into girls, and she was this girly girl. so for me, it would just make sense if im a butch. but no, when i "tried on" that butch "mask", it's just not me. i'm not comfortable, AT ALL. so, i tried on something else. i became a bitch. like literally. little that people know, I've tried to "curi" my best friend's boyfriend. *she didn't know up until now LOL* and he was into me too, so like, i like the vibe too. i like men too. i was like soooo confused. like, fuck?! do i like men? do i like girls? i was so depressed, like i kept thinking, what am i?
so, i "broke up" with this guy and continued my "relationship" with this girl. and Lord have mercy on me, the "relationship" was like a sampan in the middle of the sea with a heavy storm. it was fucking rough. but i love her, i like her. i became more depressed. almost every night i cried, almost everyday i have break downs. my life was miserable, i was not even 16. so, when i really reached 16, i'm determined, i will not fucking bother about my "love life" anymore. i focused more with having fun with my friends, i played more with my netball team. i was more active with school. i keep myself busy just so that i stop thinking bout it. i was just fine. even i did great *well, sorta* with my SPM. everything went fine. until the 6 month rest after school. OMG, how fucked up i've become once more.
I became more sexual frustrated, i gain fucking a lot. i barely come out from my room. mak aku panggil aku turtle, kejap ada kejap takde. but THANK LORD. thanks to Tumblr and Youtube, i discover this new world of bisexuality. i read a lot, i watch a lot, and i learnt a lot about this bisexuality. i'm starting to absorbing this new concept and putting tests upon myself. so long story short, through hardship, through divine messages from the Almighty, i finally found myself at peace, and have accepted myself as a Pansexual.
well, for the society acceptance, i may not have come out to my parents, YET, but my uncle have this idea and know that, his little niece ain't a hetero. she's a bit slender. so, i'm at ease that my uncle still accept me as family. for my friends, some of them have this idea too, and i think they're fine with it. but my best friends from my school time have yet to discover this, but i do wish they know this and will accept me for who i am right now, and not the same person they knew years back. i think i've not change at all, just my preferences and sexuality but my everything is still the same and i hope they see that in me.
well, i guess this post have been too long and a bit blunt but yeah, it's something i need to put out and i'm fine now :) maybe, next post i'll be a bit detailed on how i conformed myself as a Pansexual and not a simple bisexual. maybe later, when i have the feel to write. i'm off to fangirl to my kpop GOT7, and scream the fuck out of myself. good night from my handsome oppa
so dreamy, kan?!?
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