it's 2.33 in the morning, i have these thoughts of my relationship with my family. it's like shaking Jengga just waiting to collapse to pieces. no, i'm not in a fight with my parents or my siblings. it's just that, the distant. it's not that i don't feel loved, it's just that, IDK, I'M THE ONE who's not been loving them much?!? IDK, all i know is that my relationship with them is getting further and bitter.
come to think of it, everything started when i was 10?!? well, i think so lah. i think it was when i first left home, and i felt the freedom. no, i did not run away from home, im not that bad,*see, another thing is that i'm NOT THAT BAD, i'm kinda obedient tho. well, there's some unconditional events had occurs that may consider myself as "bad" but still tho, my parents is not that mad of me with it* so, i was 10, and was away from home to represent my state?! city?! IDK what's DAERAH in effing eng, so Daerah Hulu Selangor lah, for volleyball. so it was a 4 days event, eventually i had to stay at hostel with my friends and all. and from that day onward, i'm determined that i want to stay in hostel because it's fun, i can do whateves i want without my parents knowing and they can't do anything bout it and it's great because i can be with my friends and not my nagging parents. *FYI, both my parents are educator, at that time my mom was a teacher and my dad was a lecturer. so, handling teens, especially NAGGING at them are their specialty*
another thing is that both of my parents are working. i clearly remember that since i was 9, after school, i would be alone at home. like ALONE. then prepare my own self to go back to so called 'sekolah agama' in the evenings. so basically, i see them like 7 in the morning and just a little time at night. sometimes i see them just 5 mins before i went to bed. so, i was NOT that close with my parents growing up. but thank GOD i survived. not thinking of suicide or what not, thanks to sports. i think.
so with that, i would be active in so many other sports, Handball, Netball, Track & Field, Hockey and many more, so that i could escape myself from being at home and do what i like rather than being home. *one time, i drop out of school, well sekolah agama cuz it's ruining my training session. evenings are for training, not another SET of schooling* so like, i could go away from home like at least a week a month to stay at hostel for playing all the sports. so, i think it was that time around i was liking the idea of hostel a.k.a asrama. and to my surprise, my UPSR was excellent. i got straight As *not bragging, ehemm. i WAS smart tho* so, for secondary school, i got to stay in a hostel.
when i was 13, my family moved to Shah Alam, and my hostel is not that far, it's in Klang, like 30mins car ride. but at least tho, it was still away from home. and Lord knows how happy i was when i got to stay in the hostel. i did bunch of stuff. great stuff, not so great stuff, even bad stuff. i skipped classes, schools, i even smoked. but i never tell them that. all of them i only share with my friends. once i was caught red handed from skipping school, so i had to tell them first. but their just fine with it, a little mad tho, but not totally your-not-my-daughter mad. but, i never told them about the tremendous amount of time i skipped school and classes for other things. up until now, they don't know i've smoked before. even the good things i did in school and hostel i never mention to them. i represent the school for the netball team, the Pantun team, the school's editor team and performance team. they just knew like little bits of it. like the other who would call their parents everyday or at least once a week, i would only call when i'm drained, financially. but for them it was ok, and it was ok for me back than.
so long story short, now i'm doing my degree in Sarawak and it's my 2 semester 1st year. and it's still the same. i don't share anything with them, i call only when i'm financially drained or i just text them not even a call, and worst yet, come home like twice a year for like 2-3 months. that's the only time i'll interact with them, especially my parents. i'm so jealous of people that are so closed with their parents, like those who share their stories with their mom or dad. those who can joke around, i can't even answer "I love you too" to my mom, i just went "hmm, k" like IDK what am i doing. i don't deserve them. they understand me well enough *but not too well, maybe cuz the upbringing they gave me when i was growing up, they we're never with me, but they do now. but i think it's to late for me, as in "my persona", to accept it* i don't even save pictures of my family in my phone. like most of the people i know have to so called as a "normal" child would do.
it hurts, but i can't do anything. like srsly, i don't know WHAT are there to do. it's just an awkward relationship. i do pray Lord so that this relationship would NEVER break. maybe family is not on the top of my list where i know it should be, but i'm working on it. i'm looking for THE solution for this. i hope there's one tho. it's don't want my parents to be hurt but at the same time i can be myself and be happy about it. uggh, it's complicate, I'M complicated, this WORLD is complicated.
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